Road Trip

After 1 year and 3 months, I have returned to my Michigan roots and, as requested, I have taken a detailed account of the recent road trip. That's not really true. I don't think anyone actually requested it. But aren't you glad I did? You really should just say yes because I'm probably going to delete any "no" responses. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.

2:30-4:30: Parents argued while trying to figure out why the GPS lady wouldn't talk to us. They call her Carmen because they said that Garmen was too weird of a name to call a girl. Except...her name was really Samantha...

2:35: Dad gave me his leg to put in the back.

2:36: Dad announced that we would be driving 20 hours straight through.

2:37: I gave dad bad word eyes through the rearview mirror.

4:30-7:00: Sang quietly to myself in the back because there was no music.

5:30-7:40: My dad looked for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell to eat at. Said he would refuse to eat anything else.

7:00: Dad got tired of hearing me sing quietly to myself in the back and put on some music. I was happy and not offended because I heart Dave Matthews.

7:39: Dad had me dig his leg out of the back.

7:40: Dad gave up looking for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell and decided to stop and eat at Subway. I was slightly disappointed because they didn't have spinich but this disappointment was most definitely counteracted by the fact that we got to eat dinner with the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champions. They all had matching shirts. Their leader's name was Garwin. I'm not even .073% sure that this is true. Actually, I just completely made it up but I'm fairly certain that if I were the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champion leader, my name would be Garwin...or maybe Jasmine.

8:05: Dad had me put his leg in the back.

8:38: Dad said a bad word because we passed both a Bob Evans and a Cracker Barrell at the next exit.

8:50: Went through the first tunnel. Pretty much my favorite part of the trip. I like to pretend that I work for the government as a secret agent and that the tunnel leads to our secret headquarters. I desperately wanted to be in the CIA when I was young but my dad told me I'd have to be a liar to do it. I cried for two days and then decided I would write novels instead.

9:05: Dad told me I had to take out Dave Matthews or he was going to jump out the window.

9:39: We approached our first toll booth. This is my second favorite part of my trip as long as I'm not the one paying for it. The toll booth oporator's name was Karen. I yelled "Thanks, Karen!" really loud as we passed. I think the toll booth operators really like it when you do this and I humbly suggest that you do it each time you pass.

9:39.30: Dad yelled at me because he said I made him go deaf. I refused to apologize because he's already deaf in the ear that I yelled into.

9:46: I lost all feeling from the waist down on account of the incredibly un-plush back seat.

9:50: Since I already couldn't feel my legs, I decided I should probably go to sleep but my dad's kind of an emotional driver, this makes it kind of hard to become relaxed enough to sleep.

9:51: Dad promised not to crash anyone if I wanted to try and sleep.

9:52: Laid down.

9:53: Dad started yelling and flipped someone off.

9:54: Sat up again.

10:02: Thanked toll booth operator, Renee. She was my favorite. She had cute hair. I could tell we were still in the south because she yelled back that I was welcome.

10:05: Started playing a game of Sudoku on my phone. Became violently nauseous. Went back to singing quietly to myself.

10:40: Yelled to operator, Atkins. She wasn't very nice but I didn't judge her. I think I may not have been very nice if my name were Atkins too.

10:43: Dad offered to drive us all the way through the mountians until we got to Ohio.

10:45: Realized dad only made this offer because he wanted to sleep through the latest and worst part of the trip.

1:15: Decided that I HATE stupid road trips and that I hate stupid not sleeping and I HATE stupid singing quietly to myself in the back seat.

2:30: Entered Ohio.

2:40: Started listing in my head all the reasons I hate Ohio.

2:45: Stopped at a rest area.

2:46: Found dad his leg.

2:47: Stepped in the worlds biggest mudd puddle and just barely escaped falling on my a**.

2:48: Added this to my list of reasons why I hate Ohio.

4:00: Almost died. Caught mom sleeping at the wheel.

4:15: Pulled over at a rest area to take a quick nap next to a stupid shaddy semi because we stupid weren't allowed to stupid stay the night at a stupid hotel.

5:30: Gave up on life and documentation.

That is all.

Patience

Patience is something that I have always struggled to obtain. I think part of the problem is that I don't really WANT to be patient. I want what I want when I want it. That is all. Unfortunately, this really isn't working out all that well for me so I've come up with a plan to replace something I DON'T want (patience) with something I DO want. Every time I'm tempted to be inpatient and anxious...I'm going to eat a piece of chocolate. Will I gain at least 6.87 pounds by the end of the week? Will I be taking the risk, like the Pavlov dogs, that I'll develop a
saliva secretion problem? Could I possibly be replacing an unhealthy habit with another unhealthy habit. Yes, yes, and yes. I do, however, get to eat chocolate. And that makes my heart happy.

Sometimes, when I see something surprisingly ridiculous or awkward out in public, I unwillingly exclaim a loud "AH!". Now typically, I'm able to keep this "AH!" inside my head and only let out a small "oooh." I've decided, though, to dedicate a new bullet point to the people who make it impossible for me to keep the "AH!" inside my head:

AH! Moment of the day:




















Please take a moment to zoom in on the woman in white. Really. I apologize if this is someone's sister, mother, aunt, grandmother or friend. But such an accomplishment can not be overlooked.
Have you ever in your life seen sleeves with such volume? I assure you I have not...Not since Anne of Green Gables' "puff sleeves"...

That is all.

Random things....

• This week, three different boys (all under the age of 18) yelled suggestive comments at me while driving through Southport. I'm 36.5% certain that it's a direct result of "Hottie in hurr!" being painted in pink on my driver's side window. I didn't really like it but resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it's going to be from now on. When was the last time I've been proactive about ANYTHING concerning my car? Then, probably knowing this, God sent me 5 chances to get my car washed for free. I turned all of them down for fear of being judged because of the interior condition of my car.
  

• Everything I had for dinner tonight was a shade of orange. I kinda liked it. I humbly suggest that we declare tomorrow Monochromatic Purple Food Day.

• I'll give $1 to anyone willing to clean my car without judgment.

NOTICE TO ALL CREEPERS:
I realize my personal bubble is invisible to you all. But please, stop touching me. I don't like it.
This means YOU: man who colors on my leg with a pen, man who always tries to hold my hand regardless of the unmistakable awkwardness in my eyes, man who grabs my waist to tell me that the coffee is finished, man at the pool with really short shorts and a perm...you know what you did....
It is not ok! Please stop or I promise to start calling you out by name! Unless I don't know your name! Then I will find another way to make you sorry! I am sweet but every girl has her breaking point!

That is all.


**the three boys were actually all in one car but I purposely made it seem like they were all separate events to make the situation seem much more dramatic than what it really is**

My Birthday...

I've decided to just go ahead and just say what I know is on everyone's mind. It's true, my birthday is only 21 days away. Ironic isn't it? Seeing as I'm going to be 21. Needless to say, this is a very important day to everyone and I'd like to give you the opportunity to celebrate it. I've been praying that God would burden my heart with the perfect plans for the last 7 1/2 minutes. This is what He gave me:

A camping/Yahtzee/The Cosby Show/chocolate lava cake party.

Now I know that you are wondering how all of these things are going to work together. Don't worry. I've got it covered. Please follow my train of thought:

**fades into Jayme's brain**

I love camping.
I think that maybe the only things I love more are Jesus and Yahtzee.
Mmm...Yahtzee.
Hard to play when camping because of the darkness...
I bet there's a Glow in the Dark Yahtzee.
And there it is.
Thank you Amazon.
Trying really hard to find a connection to The Cosby Show.
Still trying.
Nothing.
Remember the episode when Rudy snuck downstairs and watched a scary movie and then couldn't sleep but didn't want to admit why?
That happened to me once except instead of a scary movie, it was Unsolved Mysteries.
I was convinced for six nights that someone was going to sneak in my basement window and kidnap me.
I didn't get any sleep at all.
But that was ok because I was little and I didn't have to get up in the morning to work.
I miss being little.
I miss my bed.
I blame the feminists.
Stupid equal rights.
If it weren't for them I'd probably still be sleeping now.
Or baking bread.
Or cookies.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Chocolate.
Chocolate Lava Cake.
The end.

**fades out**

And there you go.
Sooo...who's with me???! *insert a very motivational tone and an upraised fist...kinda like the one in Braveheart before everyone charged*

That is all.

Memorable Moments

I won $.50 in a bet last night. Needless to say, this was very exciting. I pretty much never win anything. I won lotion at a wedding shower 4 years ago yesterday. I designed a wedding dress out of toilet paper. It was fantastic. The lotion, however, was not. It smelled funny. I threw it away. I think that's it. That would make this my very first non-lotion win. I think I'll put it in my money jug. I was saving up to get a pink scooter but then calculated that it would take me at least 4.3 years and I'm just not that patient. It is now my ice cream fund. Chocolate ice cream fund.

I have yet to actually receive my $.50 but I'm 37% sure that I'll have it by this next Sunday at high noon due to the severe consequences if I do not.

I've spent the last 4 days immersed in the Southport 4th of July Festival activities and am sure I've gotten enough material to supply you with a most memorable moment for at least 68.5 years.

Memorable Moment #1: Yesterday afternoon there was a band playing ACDC at the waterfront. It took me approximately 13.7 minutes to figure out if the guitar player was a man or a woman. I thought it was the same person that I had a hard time figuring out the previous night but I was wrong. The guitar player was a boy Pat. The previous night was a girl Pat.

That is all.

La la laaaa.... July 3rd

(Please note that it has recently been brought to my attention that my blog may be lacking a bit in vocabicular sophistication. As a result of this outlandish accusation, I've decided to make use of at least one thesaurus word per bullet point just to prove you are wrong.)

21 days to go until the reunion and Step 2 of my rebellion was completed as of 11:28 this morning. Right on track and onto phase 3. This, I'm afraid is going to be the most arduous of them all. I'll be trading in all my skirts for shorts. Something my legs have not seen since the first Bush was president. This means working out (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) and introducing them to the sun. Either of which are sure to throw my body into a shock of sorts that I'm sure to never recover from. If I die, please be sure that Meg gets my box with the doves on it, and please give Jo my turquoise ring. I don't want to die. I've never even been kissed. I've waited my whole life to be kissed and what if I miss it?.....That's not really true. I don't have a turquoise ring and I have been kissed. It was great. But 127 cool points that will probably get you absolutely nothing at all to whomever can tell me what movie that's from. . .

In all seriousness, though. Jessica, I would like you to have both of my Yahtzee games. One is in my backpack. The other is somewhere in my car, which is why I had to buy a second one and put it in my backpack. Mike, I'd like you to have my fish key chain. I got it for free, so I know you'll take good care of it. Moose, to you I leave my green striped handbag and the receipt I got from Meijer the time I saved more on groceries than what I actually spent...I highlighted the savings in pink, I was going to save it for your birthday but it looks as though that may be too late.




**Thank you all for your overwhelming response in regards to the concerns I had of my pending cousin invitation. While Yiddish seemed to be the majority rule, I'm afraid my schedule did not allow for such preparation. So I've decided to not be codependent and do what is best for The Blog. I ignored the invite.**

**I made up at least two words instead of using the thesaurus.**

**That's not true. I only made up one but I thought that two sounded better**


That is all.