La la Laaa La.

1.) It seems that there is always at least one moment out of the day that I find myself saying "I don't really like that at all. I just kinda wish it would stop." I discussed this with a man named Dennis last week and he told me "Jayme, sometimes I just have to laugh at life. Otherwise, I would find myself so completely disturbed that I'd be forced to become a shut-in." I decided that there was a bit of wisdom to this and have decided, in an effort to laugh at life, that I will dedicate a portion of my blog to these "shut-in" worthy events....

I don't really like that at all, I just kinda wish it would stop moment of the day:

At work there is a chalk board above my work center that I write inspirational quotes or intriguing phrases to strike up conversation with our patients about their health. The phrase this week was "Dog Milk".

This is how the conversation is supposed to go:

**fades into office**

Patient: Gross. Dog milk?

Me: Yes, would you want to drink dog's milk?

Patient: No! That's disgusting!

Me: I know but, honestly, it's no more disgusting than drinking cow's milk.

Patient: Really?

Me: Yes. We are the only species that consumes another species' milk and our bodies were not designed to digest it.

Patient: I didn't know that.

Me: Yes, it's not healthy for you but there are some things you can drink in place of normal milk.......

**fades out**

This is how the conversation ACTUALLY went:

**fades into office**

Patient: I don't get it. Dog milk?

Me: Yes, would you want to drink dog's milk?

Patient: I don't really know.

Me: You don't know? Don't you think that would be gross?

Patient: Well...

Me: Do you realize that we are the only species that consumes another species' milk? It's not healthy for us. Our bodies were not created to digest it.

Patient: I don't really think that is true.

Me: What do you mean??

Patient: I don't really think that dog's milk would be that bad for you.

Me: How could dog's milk be GOOD for you??

Patient: One time when I was young my baby sister disappeared for two hours. We couldn't find her anywhere. We looked high and low. Then someone got the idea to look out in the barn. That's where we found her...with all the puppies nursing on the momma dog.

Me: Shocked silence.

Patient: She seemed to like it and it didn't hurt her at all.

**awkward silence**

**everyone in waiting room is staring at me**

**patient walks away**

**fades out**

2.) I received no less than 3.65 gifts of ice cream today. Needless to say, this was very exciting. Not only am I incredibly popular but I've always wanted to have super powers. It crossed my mind for approximately .73 seconds that I'm just skilled in the art of manipulation but dismissed the thought immediately.

3.) I dated a guy once who always made fun of the way I pronounced words. I asked him once who died and made him the king of the English language but I don't remember what he said in reply. While listening to a bit of Pearl Jam this afternoon I was reminded of the time that he told me that he really liked the song Dissident but it annoyed him that it was a fake word. I looked it up today. It's real. If I sent him an anonymous letter in the mail containing only the definition of the word, would I win?

4.) #2 actually wasn't true at all. Turns out I don't have powers...and I'm probably not really all that popular.

That is all.

The Food Blog...mostly.

I declare this the food blog. It's not really about food at all. But I'm hungry, so every bullet point is going to contain something about food...except for the first one.

A random man told me today that it was hotter out than his high school guidance counselor. I didn't really like it and humbly suggest that no one say anything like that to me ever again.

EMERGENCY: This morning I posted a status stating that I'd decided if I could have any super power in the world it would be the ability to declare national holidays whenever I deemed necessary. For example, today would be "National Red Heads Get To Stay In Bed All Day and Watch Gilmore Girls While Eating Oatmeal With Blueberries In It Because I'm Exhausted and Am Fairly Certain There Is At Least 3 Teaspoons Of Sand In My Right Ear Day." Within moments of posting this, I received a call from my boss saying she was sick and that the office was to be closed for the day. Now here I am, eating my oatmeal with blueberries, completely prepared to put in my first season of Gilmore Girls and can't help but note that there is a 32.6% chance that these two occurrences are directly related. Could it be that I'm fully responsible for the condition of the Doc's well-being? If so, I'm sincerely sorry and plan to be much more responsible when declaring my future holidays.

I declare tomorrow official "Bring Jayme Ice Cream Day". I'll be working from 8:30-1:00 and then 3:00-6:30, please feel free to either drop it by the office or swing by my house after work. I'll pretty much take any kind...except for cookie dough. Or Vanilla. Or cookies and cream. Actually...I declare tomorrow official "Bring Jayme Chocolate Ice Cream Day."

Family Factoid:
The family reunion has come and gone. Had it's high points, it's low points...and as promised, it was all documented. Now it's important for me to note here that since returning from the reunion, a number of my cousins have added me as friends. For this very reason, I was hesitant to follow through with my vow to all of you but I truly believe that we have too much invested to just let it go. So I propose this to you, cousins. A censored account. I promise to change names, not talk about your moms or you specifically. I also have a surplus of chocolate that I'm willing to share with you. You in return, promise to not rat me out. I give you 3 days to respond to this blog. If I don't hear from you, I'm going to assume this is fine.



That is All.







*disclaimer for everyone but my family to read: a friend taught me how to block specific people from my notes. If there is an uprising within my clan, I've got it covered*

Road Trip

After 1 year and 3 months, I have returned to my Michigan roots and, as requested, I have taken a detailed account of the recent road trip. That's not really true. I don't think anyone actually requested it. But aren't you glad I did? You really should just say yes because I'm probably going to delete any "no" responses. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.

2:30-4:30: Parents argued while trying to figure out why the GPS lady wouldn't talk to us. They call her Carmen because they said that Garmen was too weird of a name to call a girl. Except...her name was really Samantha...

2:35: Dad gave me his leg to put in the back.

2:36: Dad announced that we would be driving 20 hours straight through.

2:37: I gave dad bad word eyes through the rearview mirror.

4:30-7:00: Sang quietly to myself in the back because there was no music.

5:30-7:40: My dad looked for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell to eat at. Said he would refuse to eat anything else.

7:00: Dad got tired of hearing me sing quietly to myself in the back and put on some music. I was happy and not offended because I heart Dave Matthews.

7:39: Dad had me dig his leg out of the back.

7:40: Dad gave up looking for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell and decided to stop and eat at Subway. I was slightly disappointed because they didn't have spinich but this disappointment was most definitely counteracted by the fact that we got to eat dinner with the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champions. They all had matching shirts. Their leader's name was Garwin. I'm not even .073% sure that this is true. Actually, I just completely made it up but I'm fairly certain that if I were the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champion leader, my name would be Garwin...or maybe Jasmine.

8:05: Dad had me put his leg in the back.

8:38: Dad said a bad word because we passed both a Bob Evans and a Cracker Barrell at the next exit.

8:50: Went through the first tunnel. Pretty much my favorite part of the trip. I like to pretend that I work for the government as a secret agent and that the tunnel leads to our secret headquarters. I desperately wanted to be in the CIA when I was young but my dad told me I'd have to be a liar to do it. I cried for two days and then decided I would write novels instead.

9:05: Dad told me I had to take out Dave Matthews or he was going to jump out the window.

9:39: We approached our first toll booth. This is my second favorite part of my trip as long as I'm not the one paying for it. The toll booth oporator's name was Karen. I yelled "Thanks, Karen!" really loud as we passed. I think the toll booth operators really like it when you do this and I humbly suggest that you do it each time you pass.

9:39.30: Dad yelled at me because he said I made him go deaf. I refused to apologize because he's already deaf in the ear that I yelled into.

9:46: I lost all feeling from the waist down on account of the incredibly un-plush back seat.

9:50: Since I already couldn't feel my legs, I decided I should probably go to sleep but my dad's kind of an emotional driver, this makes it kind of hard to become relaxed enough to sleep.

9:51: Dad promised not to crash anyone if I wanted to try and sleep.

9:52: Laid down.

9:53: Dad started yelling and flipped someone off.

9:54: Sat up again.

10:02: Thanked toll booth operator, Renee. She was my favorite. She had cute hair. I could tell we were still in the south because she yelled back that I was welcome.

10:05: Started playing a game of Sudoku on my phone. Became violently nauseous. Went back to singing quietly to myself.

10:40: Yelled to operator, Atkins. She wasn't very nice but I didn't judge her. I think I may not have been very nice if my name were Atkins too.

10:43: Dad offered to drive us all the way through the mountians until we got to Ohio.

10:45: Realized dad only made this offer because he wanted to sleep through the latest and worst part of the trip.

1:15: Decided that I HATE stupid road trips and that I hate stupid not sleeping and I HATE stupid singing quietly to myself in the back seat.

2:30: Entered Ohio.

2:40: Started listing in my head all the reasons I hate Ohio.

2:45: Stopped at a rest area.

2:46: Found dad his leg.

2:47: Stepped in the worlds biggest mudd puddle and just barely escaped falling on my a**.

2:48: Added this to my list of reasons why I hate Ohio.

4:00: Almost died. Caught mom sleeping at the wheel.

4:15: Pulled over at a rest area to take a quick nap next to a stupid shaddy semi because we stupid weren't allowed to stupid stay the night at a stupid hotel.

5:30: Gave up on life and documentation.

That is all.

Patience

Patience is something that I have always struggled to obtain. I think part of the problem is that I don't really WANT to be patient. I want what I want when I want it. That is all. Unfortunately, this really isn't working out all that well for me so I've come up with a plan to replace something I DON'T want (patience) with something I DO want. Every time I'm tempted to be inpatient and anxious...I'm going to eat a piece of chocolate. Will I gain at least 6.87 pounds by the end of the week? Will I be taking the risk, like the Pavlov dogs, that I'll develop a
saliva secretion problem? Could I possibly be replacing an unhealthy habit with another unhealthy habit. Yes, yes, and yes. I do, however, get to eat chocolate. And that makes my heart happy.

Sometimes, when I see something surprisingly ridiculous or awkward out in public, I unwillingly exclaim a loud "AH!". Now typically, I'm able to keep this "AH!" inside my head and only let out a small "oooh." I've decided, though, to dedicate a new bullet point to the people who make it impossible for me to keep the "AH!" inside my head:

AH! Moment of the day:




















Please take a moment to zoom in on the woman in white. Really. I apologize if this is someone's sister, mother, aunt, grandmother or friend. But such an accomplishment can not be overlooked.
Have you ever in your life seen sleeves with such volume? I assure you I have not...Not since Anne of Green Gables' "puff sleeves"...

That is all.

Random things....

• This week, three different boys (all under the age of 18) yelled suggestive comments at me while driving through Southport. I'm 36.5% certain that it's a direct result of "Hottie in hurr!" being painted in pink on my driver's side window. I didn't really like it but resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it's going to be from now on. When was the last time I've been proactive about ANYTHING concerning my car? Then, probably knowing this, God sent me 5 chances to get my car washed for free. I turned all of them down for fear of being judged because of the interior condition of my car.
  

• Everything I had for dinner tonight was a shade of orange. I kinda liked it. I humbly suggest that we declare tomorrow Monochromatic Purple Food Day.

• I'll give $1 to anyone willing to clean my car without judgment.

NOTICE TO ALL CREEPERS:
I realize my personal bubble is invisible to you all. But please, stop touching me. I don't like it.
This means YOU: man who colors on my leg with a pen, man who always tries to hold my hand regardless of the unmistakable awkwardness in my eyes, man who grabs my waist to tell me that the coffee is finished, man at the pool with really short shorts and a perm...you know what you did....
It is not ok! Please stop or I promise to start calling you out by name! Unless I don't know your name! Then I will find another way to make you sorry! I am sweet but every girl has her breaking point!

That is all.


**the three boys were actually all in one car but I purposely made it seem like they were all separate events to make the situation seem much more dramatic than what it really is**

My Birthday...

I've decided to just go ahead and just say what I know is on everyone's mind. It's true, my birthday is only 21 days away. Ironic isn't it? Seeing as I'm going to be 21. Needless to say, this is a very important day to everyone and I'd like to give you the opportunity to celebrate it. I've been praying that God would burden my heart with the perfect plans for the last 7 1/2 minutes. This is what He gave me:

A camping/Yahtzee/The Cosby Show/chocolate lava cake party.

Now I know that you are wondering how all of these things are going to work together. Don't worry. I've got it covered. Please follow my train of thought:

**fades into Jayme's brain**

I love camping.
I think that maybe the only things I love more are Jesus and Yahtzee.
Mmm...Yahtzee.
Hard to play when camping because of the darkness...
I bet there's a Glow in the Dark Yahtzee.
And there it is.
Thank you Amazon.
Trying really hard to find a connection to The Cosby Show.
Still trying.
Nothing.
Remember the episode when Rudy snuck downstairs and watched a scary movie and then couldn't sleep but didn't want to admit why?
That happened to me once except instead of a scary movie, it was Unsolved Mysteries.
I was convinced for six nights that someone was going to sneak in my basement window and kidnap me.
I didn't get any sleep at all.
But that was ok because I was little and I didn't have to get up in the morning to work.
I miss being little.
I miss my bed.
I blame the feminists.
Stupid equal rights.
If it weren't for them I'd probably still be sleeping now.
Or baking bread.
Or cookies.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Chocolate.
Chocolate Lava Cake.
The end.

**fades out**

And there you go.
Sooo...who's with me???! *insert a very motivational tone and an upraised fist...kinda like the one in Braveheart before everyone charged*

That is all.

Memorable Moments

I won $.50 in a bet last night. Needless to say, this was very exciting. I pretty much never win anything. I won lotion at a wedding shower 4 years ago yesterday. I designed a wedding dress out of toilet paper. It was fantastic. The lotion, however, was not. It smelled funny. I threw it away. I think that's it. That would make this my very first non-lotion win. I think I'll put it in my money jug. I was saving up to get a pink scooter but then calculated that it would take me at least 4.3 years and I'm just not that patient. It is now my ice cream fund. Chocolate ice cream fund.

I have yet to actually receive my $.50 but I'm 37% sure that I'll have it by this next Sunday at high noon due to the severe consequences if I do not.

I've spent the last 4 days immersed in the Southport 4th of July Festival activities and am sure I've gotten enough material to supply you with a most memorable moment for at least 68.5 years.

Memorable Moment #1: Yesterday afternoon there was a band playing ACDC at the waterfront. It took me approximately 13.7 minutes to figure out if the guitar player was a man or a woman. I thought it was the same person that I had a hard time figuring out the previous night but I was wrong. The guitar player was a boy Pat. The previous night was a girl Pat.

That is all.

La la laaaa.... July 3rd

(Please note that it has recently been brought to my attention that my blog may be lacking a bit in vocabicular sophistication. As a result of this outlandish accusation, I've decided to make use of at least one thesaurus word per bullet point just to prove you are wrong.)

21 days to go until the reunion and Step 2 of my rebellion was completed as of 11:28 this morning. Right on track and onto phase 3. This, I'm afraid is going to be the most arduous of them all. I'll be trading in all my skirts for shorts. Something my legs have not seen since the first Bush was president. This means working out (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) and introducing them to the sun. Either of which are sure to throw my body into a shock of sorts that I'm sure to never recover from. If I die, please be sure that Meg gets my box with the doves on it, and please give Jo my turquoise ring. I don't want to die. I've never even been kissed. I've waited my whole life to be kissed and what if I miss it?.....That's not really true. I don't have a turquoise ring and I have been kissed. It was great. But 127 cool points that will probably get you absolutely nothing at all to whomever can tell me what movie that's from. . .

In all seriousness, though. Jessica, I would like you to have both of my Yahtzee games. One is in my backpack. The other is somewhere in my car, which is why I had to buy a second one and put it in my backpack. Mike, I'd like you to have my fish key chain. I got it for free, so I know you'll take good care of it. Moose, to you I leave my green striped handbag and the receipt I got from Meijer the time I saved more on groceries than what I actually spent...I highlighted the savings in pink, I was going to save it for your birthday but it looks as though that may be too late.




**Thank you all for your overwhelming response in regards to the concerns I had of my pending cousin invitation. While Yiddish seemed to be the majority rule, I'm afraid my schedule did not allow for such preparation. So I've decided to not be codependent and do what is best for The Blog. I ignored the invite.**

**I made up at least two words instead of using the thesaurus.**

**That's not true. I only made up one but I thought that two sounded better**


That is all.

EMERGENCY!

EMERGENCY: In the past two weeks, I've witnessed a woman doing Tai Chi twice while I was at work. It was really very strange but I couldn't make myself stop watching. I'm pretty sure my head was even tilted to one side. One of the two times I was eating a Dove Chocolate. The inside of the wrapper read: "Dance to music, even if it's only in your head." Needless to say, I'm 14.6% sure that these two things were somehow connected but I can't prove it.

EVEN BIGGER EMERGENCY: I feel as though I've reached a moral dilemma of sorts. As you all know, it's now just a mere four weeks until my family reunion and I still have much to share with you. Up until now, my blog/facebook has been a safe place for me to do such things...my mom being the only family member following. However, my cousin has just requested to be my friend and I'm now at a loss as to what I should do. The way I see it, these are my options:

A. Ignore her. It's not as though we have even spoken since the last reunion, 10 years ago. However I AM rooming with her for two whole nights in July and I'd rather her not shoot me "bad word eyes" every 2 1/2 minutes.

B. Accept her but put her on restrictions so she can only see my basic information. Which, actually, would probably just be more like a slap in the face. I have a friend who was put on restrictions once. Couldn't see any of the other person's pictures. It pretty much broke her heart. Do I really want to be responsible for such a thing?

C. Warn her and make her swear an oath of secrecy? However, in families this large, you know there are alliances. What if her alliance is the arch enemy of MY alliance and it's really just an underhanded scheme to bring us down?? I mean, who can you really trust these days?

D. Delete all my past remarks about the family and just accept her like nothing ever happened?

E. Send her a message in Yiddish and pretend like I'm not really me. I mean, it's not like we've hung out recently. People mistake other people for people they know but but really don't know all the time. Just this morning, I was driving to work and this lady in a visor walking a very ugly dog started waving and practically ran out in front of my car JUST because she was so excited to see me. Had I ever met her in my life? No. No I had not.

F. The last remark about the lady and the ugly dog was a complete lie. But it could have happened.

That is all.

La la laaaa....

• A random man tired to color in my leg with a blue pen today at church when I wasn't looking. Apparently he thought this was acceptable because I was wearing distressed jeans with a hole in them. Random man, please don't ever touch my leg again. It was really very awkward and made me extremely uncomfortable.

• Chad Buck is a very mean man that is continually trying to steal my joy. I can't really be too angry with him for it, though. If my mom had never loved me growing up, I would probably be bitter too. I humbly suggest that each of you send him a card with little hearts all over it this week.
  

• I just arrived home to find a man eating spider on my bathroom ceiling. I could see it's fangs. I couldn't reach it and was afraid to leave the bathroom to get something to stand on for fear of it running for cover just to come out and kill me in my sleep. We had a staring match for about twenty minutes at which point he decided to make his move. That's when I struck. I think I won. Except his ginormous body has disappeared. He seems like he may have been a two hit kind of guy and this worries me. I'm once again accepting applications for "Sugar Daddy" and I'm adding 24 hour spider removal service to the responsibilities list. Please submit your application for review.

That is all.

Random Thoughts....

• It took me two tries to finish out Anatomy and Physiology with a passing grade. The first year I took it was during my sophomore year of college. Halfway through I knew I was never going to make it but kept going because there was a really cute boy who sat next to me. Turns out A&P wasn't really his thing either. We spent the rest of the semester playing the dot game for 1 hour and 47 minutes twice a week.
  

• Once I had a roommate who had a thing for goldfish. During the time we lived together she had three of them. Whenever one died, her boyfriend at the time would always dump her within a week. I'm considering purchasing a mass quantity of goldfish and selling them for twice their value as Magical Relationship Forecasters.
  

• I overheard a mother telling her 3 year old child today that if he didn't stop his ice cream from melting, pelicans were going to come and eat him. My parents used to threaten me with the same kind of thing except my pelican was an elephant named Mambo. I don't really support this kind of parenting.

• Thanks mom.

• I'm only about halfway through my currant oil change but have already started experiencing pangs of anxiety about it. I always procrastinate getting it done but then don’t want the mechanics to make fun of me for waiting so long to do it. I’ll probably just get a new car this time.
  

That is all

humble suggestions....

• Once upon a time I received 5 gifts of chocolate in 1 week (6 if you count the two brownies Marty just gave me...7 if you count the two brownies separately). That was this week. I'm 13.7% sure that this means I'm one of the most pretty and most popular girls in all of Brunswick County. To celebrate, I humbly suggest that each of you wear at least 1 piece of flare with my face on it for no less than 3 days.

• It seems as though the spandex epidemic I mentioned last week is a much larger problem than I had previously assumed. I witnessed two additional offenses this week. My eyes are tainted and I don't appreciate it. I humbly suggest that you add your name to my petition in order stop such future occurrences. Change starts with YOU!

1.) Jayme Ballard
2.)

FAMILY FACTOID:

Uncle #2: I think he believes he's a cowboy from the 70's. Except he isn't at all. He is often seen sporting an old school plaid shirt with pearl buttons down the front. Tucked into, of course, brown polyester pants. Actually. I don't think I can ever remember a time when he wasn't wearing exactly that. This may or may not be the father of cousin #1 who said he was in love with me.


THAT IS ALL

June 12th Ramblings

• On August 8th, 2008 I fell asleep watching Red Dawn. At some point in the middle of the night I awoke to a Special News Bulletin stating that Russia had attacked Georgia. It took me at least 13 minutes to realize that the KGB was not invading the United States.

• Pretend this is a really important bullet note.

• This one as well.

FAMILY FACTOID:

Cousin #2-
Comes from EXTREMELY conservative family. Lives in Chicago. Writes and directs shows for showboat. Wears vests. Is a gifted ventriloquist. Single. Never dated. The rest of the family claims it could possibly be the result of a bicycle accident when he was young.

Uncle #1-
Physical appearance has not changed for as long as I have been in existence. Deep part on left side of head. Tweed jackets with patches on the elbows. Polyester pants. Mauve colored ties.

Aunt #1-
By far my favorite of them all. But not without her extreme quirks. Once thought the rapture had come and that God left her behind. Went into hysterics. Later discovered church was canceled on account of snow and that they lease their building out on Sunday afternoons to the Christian Arabics.


That is all.

The Bad Week Post

I've officially decided that I don't want to be sweet Jayme anymore. It has done me no good at all. From here on out, I'm removing my filter...at least until I feel guilty about it and change my mind tomorrow, at which point, I will probably just go back to "la la laa-ing" and keep what I'm really thinking inside....

1.) Your children do not have a behavioral problem, you have a parenting problem. Stop feeding their little bodies Pepsi and smacking them around just for being children hyped up on caffeine and sugar and I'm positive they will shape up and probably even surpass your greatness *please note my sarcasm because it was very intentional*.

2.) I work in a doctor's office. That does not mean, however, that it is impossible for you to give me too much information:

I do not want to know what color your vomit was last night.

I am happy that you've lost weight, but lady...I do not need you to yank up your shirt and flash me in order for me to believe you. Don't ever do that again.

I do not need to know that your gyno puts beautiful pictures for you on the ceiling to help you relax when you're on your back. I promise you we have NO intention of doing the same thing and I do NOT need the visual.

3.) It is NEVER ok to wear spandex shorts in place of pants. Never ever ever. Two of you assulted my eyes within the last twelve days and you should be ashamed. I've recently come to the conclusion that, as a society, we struggle so much to pretend "it's what's inside that's important" that we've actually gotten uglier. Through the 1990's the average person wasn't average at all. More specifically, most people were a 7. Now, just less than two decades later the average person is a 4. I blame it on the media’s obsession for people to feel good about themselves for being smart or nice or honorable. I'm sorry, but if you are wearing spandex pants, none of that counts.

4.) What did I ever do to you?? Be nice to me or leave me alone!

Now I'm starting my weekend early.

Have the best 10th day ever.

June 8th

EMERGENCY: I would like to declare tomorrow "Every Creeper In Brunswick County, Please Take This Day To Run Around Without A Shirt On" day. Not that this won't happen anyway, but I thought that maybe if I declared it a holiday and made it seem as though it were my idea, I'd feel like vomiting only 6.3 times tomorrow instead of the typical 29.4.


Favorite Moment of the Day:

**Fade into Family Chiropractic Plus Office**

Kim: Blah blah blah. Blah Blah Blah

Jayme: La laaa la. La laaa Laa.

**Both look out window at same time and witness VERY large, hairy, shirtless, Braveheartesque man (like when he was in battle minus the face paint, handsomeness and somewhat attractive body) driving a very tiny bright Barbie pink Geo Tracker past office**

**Both run outside to get a second look but Tracker seems to have disappeared into thin air. It's like God sent it to them, in the midst of a terrible day, just to remind them that He loved them. And then it was gone**

**fade out**


FAMILY FACTOID
Here it is, what you've all been waiting for. My very first, mother approved, FAMILY FACTOID.

Fact: When I was in 3rd grade, visiting my grandparents, my 1st cousin....we shall call him "D" ...cornered me on the porch swing and told me he was in love with me. He was pretty sure we were going to get married but said I shouldn't tell my parents because he might get into trouble. I'm 37% sure he tried to hold my hand but I think I may have repressed that memory.
I haven't talked to him since but look forward to meeting his wife.

That is all.

Is this ok?

I must admit that as of late, my postings have been very safe, dare I say timid. It's not that I haven't come across anything worthy to note, I've just been holding back. Why? Because I do not wish to be an offensive person. Since this decision, though, there has been a noticeable decline in the popularity of my blog. For this reason, I have decided to release everything that I have kept inside for at LEAST 73 days. Wrong? Maybe. But I'm feeling slightly spicy tonight and would really like to reach 15 followers, so here it goes...

1. To all middle aged straight haired women. I am not sorry that I have curly hair. I do not wish it was straight. I do not spend forever on it every day. It is not true that people always want what they don't have. I would not trade it for your hair if I could. In fact, I LIKE it. I like it a lot. And I think to myself everyday when I wake up: "I'm really glad that my hair is curly and not straight."

2. It is NEVER OK to walk into an office, take your shoes and socks off, leave them at the door and proceed to walk around in bare feet for an hour and a half. I do not care if there is 3 feet of standing water outside. I do not care if your shoes are tad too tight and are pinching your toes when you walk. I do not care if you got the greatest pedicure of your life and for some creepy reason, feel you need to show it off to me. Please, for the love of everything good in the world, put your shoes back on.


EMERGENCY: Our family is having a reunion in July. The first in about ten years. Now please don't miss-understand me. It's my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I love them dearly and for this reason, I will travel halfway across the country, I will put a smile on my face and I will appear to have the time of my life. However, you do not know my family and it has recently occurred to me that these events could very well bring me to a level of fame in the blogging world that has yet to be attained. I've decided that in the days and weeks leading up to this event, I will introduce you to a person or event from my 'family past' that will give you a slight glimpse into what is to come, the climax being a run down of the event itself.
Now, for the sake of anonymity...and the fact that my mom is an avid follower... I will be altering names.

**Mom, I'm giving you three days to read this and tell me I'm not allowed, if I do not hear from you I will move forward with my noted plans**


**Everyone but my mom. If I get in trouble with in the next three days... My friend is attending a family reunion in July. The first in about ten years. Now please don't miss understand her. It's her grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. She loves them dearly and for this reason, she will travel halfway across the country, she will put a smile on her face and appear to have the time of her life..." **

THE END

It's about flippin time....

Seeing as AT LEAST 2.3 people have approached me with great disappointment in regards to my lack of blogging these days (if I've done my math correctly, that's a staggering .038333 people PER DAY since the last time I have written to you all), I've decided it's about time to sit down and compile a few of my thoughts. To you 2.3 people, please accept my apology and let me catch you up on my life over the past few months....

• One day about 1 month and 1 week ago, I decided to learn Greek.
• One day about three weeks ago I woke up at 6am to use the treadmill before going to work and committed to doing it every other day for the rest of my life.
  
• One day about three weeks ago minus two days I decided I would never get up at 6am and use a treadmill again.
  
• One day about two weeks ago, I considered getting dreadlocks for at least 15 minutes.
  
• One day about two weeks ago, someone told me it would make my head smell bad.
• One day about two weeks ago, I decided I would not get dreadlocks.
• One day about 1 week ago I had a dream that someone came to work to give me three sweet-tarts that were in their pocket, out of the wrapper, warm and kinda sticky.
• One day about 1 week ago I had a dream that I ate them because they were cherry and those are my favorite.
• One day about 3 days ago I went to the beach and burned only a triangle the size of a 3in extra sticky pink post-it note cut in half on my left wrist.
• One day about 3 days ago I thought a bad word in my head about spray on sunblock.
  

I think that about sums it up....

PS- I'll give $1 to anyone willing to work for me tomorrow. Or $.52 to anyone who is willing to meet me @ my car before I go into work with a cherry pop-tart, lightly toasted.

That is all.

I love when people think their music is playing through their headphones when it’s actually playing through their computer so everyone can enjoy it. I’ve been keeping track of who does this and what was playing.

I had an assistant once who did this all the time. She didn't listen to music though. It was always to soulful southern gospel preachers. Every once in awhile she inserted an "mmm hmmm." I didn't really like that. She sent a lot of emails, did school work, researched good deals on cruises and made personal phone calls too. I said a lot to her in my head but I'm an approval addict so I never really said anything out loud.

No less than three people asked me if they could buy my bike this weekend. I was incredibly offended and very shortly told them no each time. I don't think I've ridden it in three years. I probably at least should have asked them what they would pay for it.

I wish I had a pink bike with a basket on the front. I'm 12.7% sure I would ride it at least 3 times a day.

I just learned that May 4th, 1919 is regarded as the ideological origin of many important events in modern Chinese history. Its direct cause was the unequal treaties imposed on China after the First World War. This is exactly 75 years to the day before my great grandma forced me to eat two egg rolls. I think she must have made the egg rolls to commemorate this movement. She didn’t really seem like a history buff kind of lady but that's really the only explanation I can invent that explains why a grown up would torture a child in such a way.

The End

The "it's officially spring because it's warm enough to wear Capris" edition.

Capri is actually pronounced Capreeee as opposed to Cuprie by the cools. If you knew that, please email me at jaymesdesign@hotmail.com to let me know how worldly you are and I’ll give you 302 pennies. If you didn't know it you can still email me for the 302 pennies but if it is a just world you'll probably get 302 pennies stolen from you after you send your email. Then the person who stole from you will break his leg. Or her leg. Fortunately, it is not a just world so I suppose you get the 302 pennies just for reading this. I went to Capri once just for the day. No one liked me there either.

Please keep in mind that I don't really have 302 pennies to give to you. I also was not telling the truth when I said I've been to Capri. I actually don't even know where that is or if it's even a real place.

That is all.

I now have 11 followers. Needless to say, this is pretty much monumental. Really, this is more exciting than the time I got my hair cut twice in one week and got nothing done because I spent all my time looking at my reflection in my laptop screen. To celebrate, I humbly suggest that you all bring me a bag of clementines, bananas, a loaf of bread, butter, spinach, peanut butter, red peppers, tomatoes, cotton balls, cucumbers and chicken. This may or may not be everything on my grocery list and I may or may not be feeling too lazy to go and get them myself.

I've developed a recent addiction to Little House on the Prairie. Today was the episode where Mrs. Ingalls finds out she's going through menapause. I cried no less than two times.

My internet is working for the first time in about two weeks and I just spent about an hour and a half Facebook stalking. Specifically....looking for Beaner's Best Refill Guy. I can't really say I'm ashamed. In fact, I'll probably do it at least 3.7 more times before semi-officially giving up (the smile on your face lets me know that you need me.....).

The spring like weather we've experience in the last week or two has been extremely enjoyable but has also reminded me of the fact that another North Carolina summer is approaching and I still only have a Michigan wardrobe. Previously, under such circumstances, I would simply go shopping. However, my current financial situation has forced me to seek out another avenue. I've decided to start selling a few high quality items around my home. Below (and in all future blogs) you will find an "item of the day."

Seeing as I haven't actually used a comb or brush in over 6.3 years, this was obviously the first to go. This gently used comb can be yours for the amazing price of $1.46. Act soon, as I'm sure, such a deal will not be around for long!









That is all.

* Please note that the advertised price does not include postage*

"I've recently come to the conclusion that, as a society, we struggle so much to pretend "it's what's inside that's important" that we've actually gotten uglier. Through the 1980's the average person wasn't average at all. More specifically, most people were a 7. Now, just two decades later the average person is a 4. I blame it on the media’s obsession for people to feel good about themselves for being smart or nice or honorable."

That's not really true at all. I do, however, despise the lack of disgust that the public has displayed by Alex Lambert's mullet.

That is all.

I'm sick. It's really very terrible. I'm not surprised, though, because I've felt it coming for approximately 36 days now. I humbly suggest that you bring me either tea or throat lozenges tomorrow at work. I'll pay you $1 but you'll have to wait until I get paid on Friday to collect.

I'm seriously contemplating purchasing a Twilight lunch box. I found one on Amazon. It's pretty great. It even has a matching thermos with Edward's face on it.

I've been watching the Hallmark channel for approximately 49 hours and 3 minutes and I've cried no less than 14 times. I'm tempted to say that it's surpassed the greatness of Lifetime, but that's an incredibly bold statement, so I won't.

Tomorrow is national "If You're Cool, You'll Refuse to Take a Shower" day (...That's a lie. Really my tub drain is just clogged and I keep forgetting to tell my landlords when they come to pick up my rent. Now, it's pretty much unusable and I don't want to be the only one tomorrow that hasn't taken a shower...).

That is all.

Happiest Saturday Ever that I don't have to work!

I regret to inform you that since starting my new job I've pretty much lost all inspiration. Who knew that happiness would, in turn, kill my my spirit? I shall be looking for a new muse. Until that happens, I appreciate your patience and please accept these mediocre bullet points....

• I had another dream about transformers last night. That's the second one in the past month. This time the yellow transformer lassoed my house and drug in out into the ocean where it suddenly became a rather nice boat. It was both terrifying and slightly exhilarating all at once. I'm pretty sure it's a sign that I will be going on a cruise within the next year, needless to say, this is very exciting.

• I have now gone an entire week without coffee and I'm 106.3% sure that I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms that are not obvious to the naked eye...or to me really. I'd like to say that it's a result of some kind of effort to be healthy but really it's just a combination of creamer becoming a luxury that I really can no longer justify and liking sleep way to much to get up in enough time to make it if I'm just going to have to drink it black.
  

• EMERGENCY: God gave me a free TV two days ago but I can't get it out of my car. I'll give anyone $1 who is willing to bring it into my house for me.

That is all.

This is just a little song that I wrote today. Enjoy.

LA LA LAAAA….today is taking forever….LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA…I really want to go home! La La La….I still have 1 hour and 50 minutes left to GO!...LA LA LAAAA LA….I may go crazy….someone please save me….La La….I want to be out in the sun…LAAAAAA…on the beach…..LA! I would really like salad tonight….la…..but all I have are crackers and chicken….La la la la….today is the last weekend I will ever work in my life….LA…that is probably not ture….LA LA LA LA…I wish I had my pjs on….la la la la la la la….I would be so HAPPY….LA LA LA…THE END!

Michelle told me that her mom might follow my blog if I put a recipe on here. Since I’m kind of desperate to grow my “followers” and think it would be kinda sweet if her mom followed me, I’ve attached one of my favorite recipes. This goes out to you, Michelle’s mom:

Great with that bowl of night time ice cream!!

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips
(optional) a small splash of vanilla extract
(optional) dash of salt

1 large coffee mug


Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.
Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.


The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous). And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!























































































When I woke up this morning all the lights were on in my house and half of my appliances were unplugged. Typically, this sleepwalking is a result of me becoming overly stressed or traumatized by a specific incident. Yesterday a gentleman and his family came in to book a reservation. For 20 minutes he bent over viewing properties from our public computer and for 20 minutes I had a clear view of his red neck booty crack. I’m 108% sure that these two incidents are directly related.

That is all. Enjoy your day!

La la la LAAA

Every time I open a door at work, I receive a shock. Today alone, I've received no less than 187 shocks. I tried stretching my sweater over my hand when I touched the handles but that didn't work. I'm thinking about stuffing fabric softener sheets up my sleeves tomorrow.

I answered the phone this afternoon with my normal "Oak Island Accommodations. This is Jayme, how may I help you?" The man on the line said "Well HELLOOOO Jeanie!" Then proceeded to sing out the notes to the entire I Dream of Jeanie theme song. I really didn't like that at all.

Please enter the link below into a browser. Once you have the web page up, look right above the little black box with the green line. There is a "repeat" button (two arrows making a circle). Click on that and then click the "play" button. Then please listen to it for 8 hours with the volume turned on high. Please keep in mind that this particular sound was not a random selection. I just spent about 40 minutes of my life carefully filtering through sound clips on the internet searching for the one that most closely depicts the noise that comes out of my co-worker whenever she is not breathing in. Consider this treat just a small glimpse into my day.

http://www.freesound.org/samplesViewSingle.php?id=42846

That is all.

The Winter Edition...

The town of Oak Island experienced the largest amount of snowfall it's seen in 307 years (that's not really true, but I like the dramatic effect that "307" has so I'm going to say it anyway) last night. Obviously, this was an extremely exciting event. To celebrate, I partook in an equally historical snowball fight. My skills still amaze even me. I pretty much triumphed over everyone there. At least two cried. Anyone who tells you anything different is lying. I humbly suggest that you give them the angry fist and kick them in the shin.

I've been craving hot chocolate for the last two hours but I'm way too lazy to go out in the cold to buy some. I'm going to settle for a piece of chocolate I found in my bag.

I'll give $1.10 to anyone who is willing to bring me a cup of hot chocolate.

Pretend this is a really interesting bullet point.

This one too.

Bad Smell Day

• Our entire guest services office smells like raw sewage. I think we should get to go home and get paid for the rest of the day. I tried to say so to MMB (My Mean Boss, not to be confused with my nice one). I used my most demanding voice but she just laughed so I pretended I was kidding. I wasn’t.

• I’ve been saving up my loose change in a jug since I moved here about 8 months ago. I’ve decided that I'm going to use it to get one of those mini laptops. Mostly because I want to be able to lay on my couch while playing on Facebook. At the rate I’m going, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be another three years before I have enough saved up. I would really like to get it on Saturday, though, so I’m praying that God will grow the contents of my jug by the time I get home.

• One of the maintenance guys just told me he would "light my fire." I didn't really like that.

THE END

Thank You For My Coffee...

• EMERGENCY: My yogurt experiment failed miserably. When I took it out of the freezer, it wasn't creamy at all. Pretty much just one solid chunk of ice. I tried chipping away at it in an attempt to eat it anyway but I think all of the flavor must have sunk to the bottom. I couldn't get to that part, though, because the top of the container was smaller than the bottom.

• I can't handle scary movies or TV shows. There's a scary show on right now that's intrigued me. I don't know why I'm not changing it. I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'll probably have to keep all the lights on.
  

• My co-worker told me that I've made her a better person. She says she used to cuss all the time but instead, she now replaces the bad words with just the letter she's thinking (ex. "What the H?!"). To congratulate me, I humbly suggest that you bring me coffee in bed tomorrow. I don't work until 9:15, so 7:00am will be perfect.

• That's it. Thanks.
  

My Proposal...

A couple of months ago, I made my way through the entire collection of Gilmore Girls. Upon completion I concluded several things. First, Lorelei has really good hair. Secondly, I would really like that to be my life. I think I could be Lorelei. Now, granted, there would be a few differences. I would most definitely be a less smutty version who loves Jesus and would not have a grown daughter by the time I was 30. That issue aside, I would pretty much take the whole package. The cute house, the jeep, the best friend roomie, the shoes, the inn, the diner, the coffee at the snap of a finger, the town meetings, and Stars Hallow...
Needless to say, since completing the seventh season, I’ve been in a bit of a depression. Sad for it to be over, wishing it could be real, trying to accept that this life was not reality and that I just needed to move on. Then, one fateful afternoon, Kim and I ventured out to Southport for a day of shopping. Just by chance, we stopped at Port City Java and purchased a latte. Upon departure we yelled “Thanks Luke!” over our shoulders. That’s when it hit me! Maybe that life COULD be mine.
It all started coming together. I mean, Southport really is a lot like Stars Hallow in both appearance and historical significance. I would really love to own and run an inn, Lorelei and I have very similar hairstyles, I love pop-tarts, and I too, have a friend who is just as cute, lovely, and skilled in the arts of tasty treats as Sookie, who would make a fabulous addition to my hypothetical career.
And let’s just face it. I’m 100.07% sure that if Kim and I had stuck around Port City Java, we would have found that the workers would NOT have corrected our “Thanks Luke!” remark. They may have even liked it. That, my friends, is a sign.
I’m sure by now you can see where I’m going with this. And yes, you are correct. I’m going to create my own real life “Gilmore Girls” and I'm asking that you please join me. I will be moving to Southport as soon as possible and will be opening my own inn shortly thereafter. Below I have posted the necessary “roles” to carry out this endeavor. Please view them and reply if you feel you can fit this position. Each person will be carefully considered. Please keep in mind that I will not actually call you by these names. That would just be silly. You will, however, be responsible for fulfilling the roles for the remainder of your life, so please do not take this commitment lightly.

Rory: Obviously, you won’t be my daughter; however, it’s necessary that you are younger than I but not so young as to make me appear old. I would prefer that you be close to my size/height so I can borrow your clothes, but this is not a requirement.

Sookie: Must be very cute, maternal, be easily excited by things like produce and have mad cooking/baking skills.

Luke: Must be willing to open/run a diner. Always be prepared to give me a cup of coffee no matter the time of day. Be a jack of all trades, wear flannel, handsome and be prepared to marry within a ten year period of time.

Logan: Very handsome and rich. Probably a tad bit self-centered. Can’t be offended when Rory kicks you to the curb after your propose.

Kirk: Only requirement is that you are incredibly creepy.

Lane: Has to get along with Rory and be musically inclined.

Micheal: Must be incredibly rude, constantly negative, and very organized. Thick French accent and unlimited supply of three piece suits preferred.

Town Troubadour: All you have to do is play guitar and sing folksy music in the town square all day. I would prefer the lyrics reflect my emotions and the events of my day.

*I’ve edited Dean out of my new life. He kind of annoys me*
**If you would like to be included but not necessarily in one of the larger roles listed above, please feel free to apply for one of the smaller roles, less important yet very necessary roles.**

Thank you. That is all.

February 9th, 2010

Welcome to my very first blog! I'm afraid I can't promise that I'll have anything wonderfully interesting to share...so just be a dear and pretend. Thank you.

My random thoughts for today:

• A few days ago I found myself reliving a few of my experiences, to my current co-workers, as a barista at Beaners (local coffee shop back home). I was reminded, quite fondly, of Beaners Best Refill Guy. For the extent of my 2 year career, he came in every weekday morning at approximately 9:15am (at the exact time that our satellite radio played a rather moving rendition of "When You Say Nothing At All"....which was obviously a sign that he would one day profess his undying love to me) and refill his coffee mug with our Beaners Best Blend brewed coffee. He was quite possibly the prettiest boy I have ever seen. Here's a quick replay of our typical morning...

*fades into Beaners*

Me- Good morning! How are you?

Pretty Boy- Wonderful now, how are you?

Me- Doing pretty good, thanks.

*insert silence and meaningful stares that last for AT LEAST 5 seconds*

Pretty Boy- Have a good day at work, I'll see you tomorrow.

Me- You too! Tomorrow....

*fade out*

I’m fairly certain he liked me a lot and probably wanted to kiss but I fear rejection
way too much to have taken it any further.

• Once I had dinner with a guy that I'm 103% sure was a mob boss down in Palm Beach. We ate, along with my grandparents, at this Italian restaurant where he had his own table and all the staff knew him by name. He had a really thick Italian accent and wore these huge black rimmed glasses. He kept insisting that I order a salad. I didn't want one but ordered it anyway because he slightly terrified me. I'm not sure why I thought of this but it's obviously very important.

That is all.