EMERGENCY!

EMERGENCY: In the past two weeks, I've witnessed a woman doing Tai Chi twice while I was at work. It was really very strange but I couldn't make myself stop watching. I'm pretty sure my head was even tilted to one side. One of the two times I was eating a Dove Chocolate. The inside of the wrapper read: "Dance to music, even if it's only in your head." Needless to say, I'm 14.6% sure that these two things were somehow connected but I can't prove it.

EVEN BIGGER EMERGENCY: I feel as though I've reached a moral dilemma of sorts. As you all know, it's now just a mere four weeks until my family reunion and I still have much to share with you. Up until now, my blog/facebook has been a safe place for me to do such things...my mom being the only family member following. However, my cousin has just requested to be my friend and I'm now at a loss as to what I should do. The way I see it, these are my options:

A. Ignore her. It's not as though we have even spoken since the last reunion, 10 years ago. However I AM rooming with her for two whole nights in July and I'd rather her not shoot me "bad word eyes" every 2 1/2 minutes.

B. Accept her but put her on restrictions so she can only see my basic information. Which, actually, would probably just be more like a slap in the face. I have a friend who was put on restrictions once. Couldn't see any of the other person's pictures. It pretty much broke her heart. Do I really want to be responsible for such a thing?

C. Warn her and make her swear an oath of secrecy? However, in families this large, you know there are alliances. What if her alliance is the arch enemy of MY alliance and it's really just an underhanded scheme to bring us down?? I mean, who can you really trust these days?

D. Delete all my past remarks about the family and just accept her like nothing ever happened?

E. Send her a message in Yiddish and pretend like I'm not really me. I mean, it's not like we've hung out recently. People mistake other people for people they know but but really don't know all the time. Just this morning, I was driving to work and this lady in a visor walking a very ugly dog started waving and practically ran out in front of my car JUST because she was so excited to see me. Had I ever met her in my life? No. No I had not.

F. The last remark about the lady and the ugly dog was a complete lie. But it could have happened.

That is all.

La la laaaa....

• A random man tired to color in my leg with a blue pen today at church when I wasn't looking. Apparently he thought this was acceptable because I was wearing distressed jeans with a hole in them. Random man, please don't ever touch my leg again. It was really very awkward and made me extremely uncomfortable.

• Chad Buck is a very mean man that is continually trying to steal my joy. I can't really be too angry with him for it, though. If my mom had never loved me growing up, I would probably be bitter too. I humbly suggest that each of you send him a card with little hearts all over it this week.
  

• I just arrived home to find a man eating spider on my bathroom ceiling. I could see it's fangs. I couldn't reach it and was afraid to leave the bathroom to get something to stand on for fear of it running for cover just to come out and kill me in my sleep. We had a staring match for about twenty minutes at which point he decided to make his move. That's when I struck. I think I won. Except his ginormous body has disappeared. He seems like he may have been a two hit kind of guy and this worries me. I'm once again accepting applications for "Sugar Daddy" and I'm adding 24 hour spider removal service to the responsibilities list. Please submit your application for review.

That is all.

Random Thoughts....

• It took me two tries to finish out Anatomy and Physiology with a passing grade. The first year I took it was during my sophomore year of college. Halfway through I knew I was never going to make it but kept going because there was a really cute boy who sat next to me. Turns out A&P wasn't really his thing either. We spent the rest of the semester playing the dot game for 1 hour and 47 minutes twice a week.
  

• Once I had a roommate who had a thing for goldfish. During the time we lived together she had three of them. Whenever one died, her boyfriend at the time would always dump her within a week. I'm considering purchasing a mass quantity of goldfish and selling them for twice their value as Magical Relationship Forecasters.
  

• I overheard a mother telling her 3 year old child today that if he didn't stop his ice cream from melting, pelicans were going to come and eat him. My parents used to threaten me with the same kind of thing except my pelican was an elephant named Mambo. I don't really support this kind of parenting.

• Thanks mom.

• I'm only about halfway through my currant oil change but have already started experiencing pangs of anxiety about it. I always procrastinate getting it done but then don’t want the mechanics to make fun of me for waiting so long to do it. I’ll probably just get a new car this time.
  

That is all

humble suggestions....

• Once upon a time I received 5 gifts of chocolate in 1 week (6 if you count the two brownies Marty just gave me...7 if you count the two brownies separately). That was this week. I'm 13.7% sure that this means I'm one of the most pretty and most popular girls in all of Brunswick County. To celebrate, I humbly suggest that each of you wear at least 1 piece of flare with my face on it for no less than 3 days.

• It seems as though the spandex epidemic I mentioned last week is a much larger problem than I had previously assumed. I witnessed two additional offenses this week. My eyes are tainted and I don't appreciate it. I humbly suggest that you add your name to my petition in order stop such future occurrences. Change starts with YOU!

1.) Jayme Ballard
2.)

FAMILY FACTOID:

Uncle #2: I think he believes he's a cowboy from the 70's. Except he isn't at all. He is often seen sporting an old school plaid shirt with pearl buttons down the front. Tucked into, of course, brown polyester pants. Actually. I don't think I can ever remember a time when he wasn't wearing exactly that. This may or may not be the father of cousin #1 who said he was in love with me.


THAT IS ALL

June 12th Ramblings

• On August 8th, 2008 I fell asleep watching Red Dawn. At some point in the middle of the night I awoke to a Special News Bulletin stating that Russia had attacked Georgia. It took me at least 13 minutes to realize that the KGB was not invading the United States.

• Pretend this is a really important bullet note.

• This one as well.

FAMILY FACTOID:

Cousin #2-
Comes from EXTREMELY conservative family. Lives in Chicago. Writes and directs shows for showboat. Wears vests. Is a gifted ventriloquist. Single. Never dated. The rest of the family claims it could possibly be the result of a bicycle accident when he was young.

Uncle #1-
Physical appearance has not changed for as long as I have been in existence. Deep part on left side of head. Tweed jackets with patches on the elbows. Polyester pants. Mauve colored ties.

Aunt #1-
By far my favorite of them all. But not without her extreme quirks. Once thought the rapture had come and that God left her behind. Went into hysterics. Later discovered church was canceled on account of snow and that they lease their building out on Sunday afternoons to the Christian Arabics.


That is all.

The Bad Week Post

I've officially decided that I don't want to be sweet Jayme anymore. It has done me no good at all. From here on out, I'm removing my filter...at least until I feel guilty about it and change my mind tomorrow, at which point, I will probably just go back to "la la laa-ing" and keep what I'm really thinking inside....

1.) Your children do not have a behavioral problem, you have a parenting problem. Stop feeding their little bodies Pepsi and smacking them around just for being children hyped up on caffeine and sugar and I'm positive they will shape up and probably even surpass your greatness *please note my sarcasm because it was very intentional*.

2.) I work in a doctor's office. That does not mean, however, that it is impossible for you to give me too much information:

I do not want to know what color your vomit was last night.

I am happy that you've lost weight, but lady...I do not need you to yank up your shirt and flash me in order for me to believe you. Don't ever do that again.

I do not need to know that your gyno puts beautiful pictures for you on the ceiling to help you relax when you're on your back. I promise you we have NO intention of doing the same thing and I do NOT need the visual.

3.) It is NEVER ok to wear spandex shorts in place of pants. Never ever ever. Two of you assulted my eyes within the last twelve days and you should be ashamed. I've recently come to the conclusion that, as a society, we struggle so much to pretend "it's what's inside that's important" that we've actually gotten uglier. Through the 1990's the average person wasn't average at all. More specifically, most people were a 7. Now, just less than two decades later the average person is a 4. I blame it on the media’s obsession for people to feel good about themselves for being smart or nice or honorable. I'm sorry, but if you are wearing spandex pants, none of that counts.

4.) What did I ever do to you?? Be nice to me or leave me alone!

Now I'm starting my weekend early.

Have the best 10th day ever.

June 8th

EMERGENCY: I would like to declare tomorrow "Every Creeper In Brunswick County, Please Take This Day To Run Around Without A Shirt On" day. Not that this won't happen anyway, but I thought that maybe if I declared it a holiday and made it seem as though it were my idea, I'd feel like vomiting only 6.3 times tomorrow instead of the typical 29.4.


Favorite Moment of the Day:

**Fade into Family Chiropractic Plus Office**

Kim: Blah blah blah. Blah Blah Blah

Jayme: La laaa la. La laaa Laa.

**Both look out window at same time and witness VERY large, hairy, shirtless, Braveheartesque man (like when he was in battle minus the face paint, handsomeness and somewhat attractive body) driving a very tiny bright Barbie pink Geo Tracker past office**

**Both run outside to get a second look but Tracker seems to have disappeared into thin air. It's like God sent it to them, in the midst of a terrible day, just to remind them that He loved them. And then it was gone**

**fade out**


FAMILY FACTOID
Here it is, what you've all been waiting for. My very first, mother approved, FAMILY FACTOID.

Fact: When I was in 3rd grade, visiting my grandparents, my 1st cousin....we shall call him "D" ...cornered me on the porch swing and told me he was in love with me. He was pretty sure we were going to get married but said I shouldn't tell my parents because he might get into trouble. I'm 37% sure he tried to hold my hand but I think I may have repressed that memory.
I haven't talked to him since but look forward to meeting his wife.

That is all.

Is this ok?

I must admit that as of late, my postings have been very safe, dare I say timid. It's not that I haven't come across anything worthy to note, I've just been holding back. Why? Because I do not wish to be an offensive person. Since this decision, though, there has been a noticeable decline in the popularity of my blog. For this reason, I have decided to release everything that I have kept inside for at LEAST 73 days. Wrong? Maybe. But I'm feeling slightly spicy tonight and would really like to reach 15 followers, so here it goes...

1. To all middle aged straight haired women. I am not sorry that I have curly hair. I do not wish it was straight. I do not spend forever on it every day. It is not true that people always want what they don't have. I would not trade it for your hair if I could. In fact, I LIKE it. I like it a lot. And I think to myself everyday when I wake up: "I'm really glad that my hair is curly and not straight."

2. It is NEVER OK to walk into an office, take your shoes and socks off, leave them at the door and proceed to walk around in bare feet for an hour and a half. I do not care if there is 3 feet of standing water outside. I do not care if your shoes are tad too tight and are pinching your toes when you walk. I do not care if you got the greatest pedicure of your life and for some creepy reason, feel you need to show it off to me. Please, for the love of everything good in the world, put your shoes back on.


EMERGENCY: Our family is having a reunion in July. The first in about ten years. Now please don't miss-understand me. It's my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I love them dearly and for this reason, I will travel halfway across the country, I will put a smile on my face and I will appear to have the time of my life. However, you do not know my family and it has recently occurred to me that these events could very well bring me to a level of fame in the blogging world that has yet to be attained. I've decided that in the days and weeks leading up to this event, I will introduce you to a person or event from my 'family past' that will give you a slight glimpse into what is to come, the climax being a run down of the event itself.
Now, for the sake of anonymity...and the fact that my mom is an avid follower... I will be altering names.

**Mom, I'm giving you three days to read this and tell me I'm not allowed, if I do not hear from you I will move forward with my noted plans**


**Everyone but my mom. If I get in trouble with in the next three days... My friend is attending a family reunion in July. The first in about ten years. Now please don't miss understand her. It's her grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. She loves them dearly and for this reason, she will travel halfway across the country, she will put a smile on her face and appear to have the time of her life..." **

THE END