Need Coffee...Really kinda grumpy today... (October 9, 2010)

* We are currently hiring in our office and every day I’m even more astounded by the professionalism shown by our applicants in this time of recession.As amazed as I was by the “shooting stars” we have attracted, I felt it wrong to keep it all to myself so I have chosen to share. I like to call this the: APPLICANT OF THE WEEK portion of my blog….

APPLICANT OF THE WEEK:

Women calls office to ask if we are the ones who put the “anonymous” add in the paper. I do not confirm that we are, just tell her it’s very important that she follow the instructions and fax her resume to the number listed. In mid-sentence she hangs up on me. Two hours later, woman shows up with resume folded in half twice. Upon opening, I realize resume was printed off in 2007 and her address as well past employment information has been crossed off and corrected with black pen. Classy. Needless to say, this resume is moving to the top of my list.

* I had to call tech support on Friday concerning our new software. After a few moments of silence, the tech guy says “This reminds me of the Grateful Dead. Please don’t tell anyone I said that.” I don’t really know what this meant, but I pretended that I did.

* The same creepy man that tried to color on my leg told me that I have no life. Whether or not this is true, I still think it was incredibly rude and I’m pretty sure next time he crosses me, I’m going to karate chop him.

* My best friends boyfriend is releasing a song on myspace tomorrow night. He asked me to give everyone a heads up. I told him that if I didn, it wouldn’t be nice because my blog usually isn’t and I haven’t had any coffee today. He said he didn’t care. Any publicity is good publicity. Sooooo…. http://www.myspace.com/one4all77.com. There’s a 22% chance it won’t be any good at all.

Ok, well….have a great weekend.

The end.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT RAMBLINGS...but not really (October 6, 2010)

Seeing as no one loves me enough to bring me coffee, I broke down and bought my own this morning. Lovely, but not nearly as lovely as free “love coffee.”

I have the Fall bug. I miss the north. Today we have all the doors and windows open at work. If I squint my eyes and look to the right, the tree across the street looks like it’s changing color. When I open my eyes, though, it’s dead. Needless to say, this is very disappointing. I keep hoping for different results which means I’ve been disappointed no less than 11.7 times to today.

EMERGENCY: Desperately handsome, blonde haired “fill-in” UPS guy delivered to our office again today. There’s a.067% chance he switched routes with our normal guy because he’s in love with me.

I’m glad God made bicycles and cucumbers.

That is all.

**I just wrote this entire blog without a single spelling error. In order of congratulations, I humbly suggest that you bring me a Caramel, Blackberry latte with soy.**

***I figure there’s a 6% chance that someone may actually bring me coffee if I change the wording of my request***

****ironically, I spelled congratulations incorrectly****

Another Monday (October 4, 2010)

I’ll give a dollar to anyone willing to bring me a cup of coffee this morning.

Fall is finally here. Needless to say, this is very exciting. I humbly suggest that everyone pick their favorite autumn fabric (preferably something with pumpkins on it) and sew it to the bottom of your shorts to make pants. I, personally, favor flannel for the chilly weather, but I’ll leave that up to you.

There is a lady in my office right now. She’s telling me about a book that I really MUST read. We’re going on 15 minutes. So far, I’ve learned that there’s a man who has his head cut off with a meat cleaver, there’s an elderly man who exposes himself to elderly women in funeral homes and it is all apparently being narrated by an ex-ho. Going on 18 minutes. Don’t really like it. Just kinda wish it would stop. 20 minutes *sighs*

As a general rule, Mondays tend to be depressing horrible things. However, seeing as even Mondays are a day that the Lord has made and I need to rejoice and be glad in that, I’ve decided to create a “Monday Highlight of the Week.” I’m 12% sure this will encourage me to look for the brighter side of the day.

Monday Highlight of the Week:

In place of normal UPS guy, the desperately handsome blonde haired UPS “fill-in” delivered our supplements today. He smiled twice and told me to have a beautiful day. I’m pretty sure he wanted to make out but seeing as we were both working, it really wouldn’t have been all that appropriate.

Happy Monday!

That is all.

La la Laaa La.

1.) It seems that there is always at least one moment out of the day that I find myself saying "I don't really like that at all. I just kinda wish it would stop." I discussed this with a man named Dennis last week and he told me "Jayme, sometimes I just have to laugh at life. Otherwise, I would find myself so completely disturbed that I'd be forced to become a shut-in." I decided that there was a bit of wisdom to this and have decided, in an effort to laugh at life, that I will dedicate a portion of my blog to these "shut-in" worthy events....

I don't really like that at all, I just kinda wish it would stop moment of the day:

At work there is a chalk board above my work center that I write inspirational quotes or intriguing phrases to strike up conversation with our patients about their health. The phrase this week was "Dog Milk".

This is how the conversation is supposed to go:

**fades into office**

Patient: Gross. Dog milk?

Me: Yes, would you want to drink dog's milk?

Patient: No! That's disgusting!

Me: I know but, honestly, it's no more disgusting than drinking cow's milk.

Patient: Really?

Me: Yes. We are the only species that consumes another species' milk and our bodies were not designed to digest it.

Patient: I didn't know that.

Me: Yes, it's not healthy for you but there are some things you can drink in place of normal milk.......

**fades out**

This is how the conversation ACTUALLY went:

**fades into office**

Patient: I don't get it. Dog milk?

Me: Yes, would you want to drink dog's milk?

Patient: I don't really know.

Me: You don't know? Don't you think that would be gross?

Patient: Well...

Me: Do you realize that we are the only species that consumes another species' milk? It's not healthy for us. Our bodies were not created to digest it.

Patient: I don't really think that is true.

Me: What do you mean??

Patient: I don't really think that dog's milk would be that bad for you.

Me: How could dog's milk be GOOD for you??

Patient: One time when I was young my baby sister disappeared for two hours. We couldn't find her anywhere. We looked high and low. Then someone got the idea to look out in the barn. That's where we found her...with all the puppies nursing on the momma dog.

Me: Shocked silence.

Patient: She seemed to like it and it didn't hurt her at all.

**awkward silence**

**everyone in waiting room is staring at me**

**patient walks away**

**fades out**

2.) I received no less than 3.65 gifts of ice cream today. Needless to say, this was very exciting. Not only am I incredibly popular but I've always wanted to have super powers. It crossed my mind for approximately .73 seconds that I'm just skilled in the art of manipulation but dismissed the thought immediately.

3.) I dated a guy once who always made fun of the way I pronounced words. I asked him once who died and made him the king of the English language but I don't remember what he said in reply. While listening to a bit of Pearl Jam this afternoon I was reminded of the time that he told me that he really liked the song Dissident but it annoyed him that it was a fake word. I looked it up today. It's real. If I sent him an anonymous letter in the mail containing only the definition of the word, would I win?

4.) #2 actually wasn't true at all. Turns out I don't have powers...and I'm probably not really all that popular.

That is all.

The Food Blog...mostly.

I declare this the food blog. It's not really about food at all. But I'm hungry, so every bullet point is going to contain something about food...except for the first one.

A random man told me today that it was hotter out than his high school guidance counselor. I didn't really like it and humbly suggest that no one say anything like that to me ever again.

EMERGENCY: This morning I posted a status stating that I'd decided if I could have any super power in the world it would be the ability to declare national holidays whenever I deemed necessary. For example, today would be "National Red Heads Get To Stay In Bed All Day and Watch Gilmore Girls While Eating Oatmeal With Blueberries In It Because I'm Exhausted and Am Fairly Certain There Is At Least 3 Teaspoons Of Sand In My Right Ear Day." Within moments of posting this, I received a call from my boss saying she was sick and that the office was to be closed for the day. Now here I am, eating my oatmeal with blueberries, completely prepared to put in my first season of Gilmore Girls and can't help but note that there is a 32.6% chance that these two occurrences are directly related. Could it be that I'm fully responsible for the condition of the Doc's well-being? If so, I'm sincerely sorry and plan to be much more responsible when declaring my future holidays.

I declare tomorrow official "Bring Jayme Ice Cream Day". I'll be working from 8:30-1:00 and then 3:00-6:30, please feel free to either drop it by the office or swing by my house after work. I'll pretty much take any kind...except for cookie dough. Or Vanilla. Or cookies and cream. Actually...I declare tomorrow official "Bring Jayme Chocolate Ice Cream Day."

Family Factoid:
The family reunion has come and gone. Had it's high points, it's low points...and as promised, it was all documented. Now it's important for me to note here that since returning from the reunion, a number of my cousins have added me as friends. For this very reason, I was hesitant to follow through with my vow to all of you but I truly believe that we have too much invested to just let it go. So I propose this to you, cousins. A censored account. I promise to change names, not talk about your moms or you specifically. I also have a surplus of chocolate that I'm willing to share with you. You in return, promise to not rat me out. I give you 3 days to respond to this blog. If I don't hear from you, I'm going to assume this is fine.



That is All.







*disclaimer for everyone but my family to read: a friend taught me how to block specific people from my notes. If there is an uprising within my clan, I've got it covered*

Road Trip

After 1 year and 3 months, I have returned to my Michigan roots and, as requested, I have taken a detailed account of the recent road trip. That's not really true. I don't think anyone actually requested it. But aren't you glad I did? You really should just say yes because I'm probably going to delete any "no" responses. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.

2:30-4:30: Parents argued while trying to figure out why the GPS lady wouldn't talk to us. They call her Carmen because they said that Garmen was too weird of a name to call a girl. Except...her name was really Samantha...

2:35: Dad gave me his leg to put in the back.

2:36: Dad announced that we would be driving 20 hours straight through.

2:37: I gave dad bad word eyes through the rearview mirror.

4:30-7:00: Sang quietly to myself in the back because there was no music.

5:30-7:40: My dad looked for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell to eat at. Said he would refuse to eat anything else.

7:00: Dad got tired of hearing me sing quietly to myself in the back and put on some music. I was happy and not offended because I heart Dave Matthews.

7:39: Dad had me dig his leg out of the back.

7:40: Dad gave up looking for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell and decided to stop and eat at Subway. I was slightly disappointed because they didn't have spinich but this disappointment was most definitely counteracted by the fact that we got to eat dinner with the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champions. They all had matching shirts. Their leader's name was Garwin. I'm not even .073% sure that this is true. Actually, I just completely made it up but I'm fairly certain that if I were the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champion leader, my name would be Garwin...or maybe Jasmine.

8:05: Dad had me put his leg in the back.

8:38: Dad said a bad word because we passed both a Bob Evans and a Cracker Barrell at the next exit.

8:50: Went through the first tunnel. Pretty much my favorite part of the trip. I like to pretend that I work for the government as a secret agent and that the tunnel leads to our secret headquarters. I desperately wanted to be in the CIA when I was young but my dad told me I'd have to be a liar to do it. I cried for two days and then decided I would write novels instead.

9:05: Dad told me I had to take out Dave Matthews or he was going to jump out the window.

9:39: We approached our first toll booth. This is my second favorite part of my trip as long as I'm not the one paying for it. The toll booth oporator's name was Karen. I yelled "Thanks, Karen!" really loud as we passed. I think the toll booth operators really like it when you do this and I humbly suggest that you do it each time you pass.

9:39.30: Dad yelled at me because he said I made him go deaf. I refused to apologize because he's already deaf in the ear that I yelled into.

9:46: I lost all feeling from the waist down on account of the incredibly un-plush back seat.

9:50: Since I already couldn't feel my legs, I decided I should probably go to sleep but my dad's kind of an emotional driver, this makes it kind of hard to become relaxed enough to sleep.

9:51: Dad promised not to crash anyone if I wanted to try and sleep.

9:52: Laid down.

9:53: Dad started yelling and flipped someone off.

9:54: Sat up again.

10:02: Thanked toll booth operator, Renee. She was my favorite. She had cute hair. I could tell we were still in the south because she yelled back that I was welcome.

10:05: Started playing a game of Sudoku on my phone. Became violently nauseous. Went back to singing quietly to myself.

10:40: Yelled to operator, Atkins. She wasn't very nice but I didn't judge her. I think I may not have been very nice if my name were Atkins too.

10:43: Dad offered to drive us all the way through the mountians until we got to Ohio.

10:45: Realized dad only made this offer because he wanted to sleep through the latest and worst part of the trip.

1:15: Decided that I HATE stupid road trips and that I hate stupid not sleeping and I HATE stupid singing quietly to myself in the back seat.

2:30: Entered Ohio.

2:40: Started listing in my head all the reasons I hate Ohio.

2:45: Stopped at a rest area.

2:46: Found dad his leg.

2:47: Stepped in the worlds biggest mudd puddle and just barely escaped falling on my a**.

2:48: Added this to my list of reasons why I hate Ohio.

4:00: Almost died. Caught mom sleeping at the wheel.

4:15: Pulled over at a rest area to take a quick nap next to a stupid shaddy semi because we stupid weren't allowed to stupid stay the night at a stupid hotel.

5:30: Gave up on life and documentation.

That is all.

Patience

Patience is something that I have always struggled to obtain. I think part of the problem is that I don't really WANT to be patient. I want what I want when I want it. That is all. Unfortunately, this really isn't working out all that well for me so I've come up with a plan to replace something I DON'T want (patience) with something I DO want. Every time I'm tempted to be inpatient and anxious...I'm going to eat a piece of chocolate. Will I gain at least 6.87 pounds by the end of the week? Will I be taking the risk, like the Pavlov dogs, that I'll develop a
saliva secretion problem? Could I possibly be replacing an unhealthy habit with another unhealthy habit. Yes, yes, and yes. I do, however, get to eat chocolate. And that makes my heart happy.

Sometimes, when I see something surprisingly ridiculous or awkward out in public, I unwillingly exclaim a loud "AH!". Now typically, I'm able to keep this "AH!" inside my head and only let out a small "oooh." I've decided, though, to dedicate a new bullet point to the people who make it impossible for me to keep the "AH!" inside my head:

AH! Moment of the day:




















Please take a moment to zoom in on the woman in white. Really. I apologize if this is someone's sister, mother, aunt, grandmother or friend. But such an accomplishment can not be overlooked.
Have you ever in your life seen sleeves with such volume? I assure you I have not...Not since Anne of Green Gables' "puff sleeves"...

That is all.