Road Trip

After 1 year and 3 months, I have returned to my Michigan roots and, as requested, I have taken a detailed account of the recent road trip. That's not really true. I don't think anyone actually requested it. But aren't you glad I did? You really should just say yes because I'm probably going to delete any "no" responses. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.

2:30-4:30: Parents argued while trying to figure out why the GPS lady wouldn't talk to us. They call her Carmen because they said that Garmen was too weird of a name to call a girl. Except...her name was really Samantha...

2:35: Dad gave me his leg to put in the back.

2:36: Dad announced that we would be driving 20 hours straight through.

2:37: I gave dad bad word eyes through the rearview mirror.

4:30-7:00: Sang quietly to myself in the back because there was no music.

5:30-7:40: My dad looked for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell to eat at. Said he would refuse to eat anything else.

7:00: Dad got tired of hearing me sing quietly to myself in the back and put on some music. I was happy and not offended because I heart Dave Matthews.

7:39: Dad had me dig his leg out of the back.

7:40: Dad gave up looking for a Bob Evans or Cracker Barrell and decided to stop and eat at Subway. I was slightly disappointed because they didn't have spinich but this disappointment was most definitely counteracted by the fact that we got to eat dinner with the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champions. They all had matching shirts. Their leader's name was Garwin. I'm not even .073% sure that this is true. Actually, I just completely made it up but I'm fairly certain that if I were the 2010 Hot Air Ballooning World Champion leader, my name would be Garwin...or maybe Jasmine.

8:05: Dad had me put his leg in the back.

8:38: Dad said a bad word because we passed both a Bob Evans and a Cracker Barrell at the next exit.

8:50: Went through the first tunnel. Pretty much my favorite part of the trip. I like to pretend that I work for the government as a secret agent and that the tunnel leads to our secret headquarters. I desperately wanted to be in the CIA when I was young but my dad told me I'd have to be a liar to do it. I cried for two days and then decided I would write novels instead.

9:05: Dad told me I had to take out Dave Matthews or he was going to jump out the window.

9:39: We approached our first toll booth. This is my second favorite part of my trip as long as I'm not the one paying for it. The toll booth oporator's name was Karen. I yelled "Thanks, Karen!" really loud as we passed. I think the toll booth operators really like it when you do this and I humbly suggest that you do it each time you pass.

9:39.30: Dad yelled at me because he said I made him go deaf. I refused to apologize because he's already deaf in the ear that I yelled into.

9:46: I lost all feeling from the waist down on account of the incredibly un-plush back seat.

9:50: Since I already couldn't feel my legs, I decided I should probably go to sleep but my dad's kind of an emotional driver, this makes it kind of hard to become relaxed enough to sleep.

9:51: Dad promised not to crash anyone if I wanted to try and sleep.

9:52: Laid down.

9:53: Dad started yelling and flipped someone off.

9:54: Sat up again.

10:02: Thanked toll booth operator, Renee. She was my favorite. She had cute hair. I could tell we were still in the south because she yelled back that I was welcome.

10:05: Started playing a game of Sudoku on my phone. Became violently nauseous. Went back to singing quietly to myself.

10:40: Yelled to operator, Atkins. She wasn't very nice but I didn't judge her. I think I may not have been very nice if my name were Atkins too.

10:43: Dad offered to drive us all the way through the mountians until we got to Ohio.

10:45: Realized dad only made this offer because he wanted to sleep through the latest and worst part of the trip.

1:15: Decided that I HATE stupid road trips and that I hate stupid not sleeping and I HATE stupid singing quietly to myself in the back seat.

2:30: Entered Ohio.

2:40: Started listing in my head all the reasons I hate Ohio.

2:45: Stopped at a rest area.

2:46: Found dad his leg.

2:47: Stepped in the worlds biggest mudd puddle and just barely escaped falling on my a**.

2:48: Added this to my list of reasons why I hate Ohio.

4:00: Almost died. Caught mom sleeping at the wheel.

4:15: Pulled over at a rest area to take a quick nap next to a stupid shaddy semi because we stupid weren't allowed to stupid stay the night at a stupid hotel.

5:30: Gave up on life and documentation.

That is all.